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No, Kevin Farley.

Dear Kevin Farley, 

I imagine its hard to follow in a pop icon's footsteps and I certainly wish you no ill will in making a living. You don't deserve to be ignored "just because", even at those times when you were blatantly trying to channel the ghost of Chris in those creepy Hertz commercials. 

They only cast you because they wanted you to channel him. Ok, I understand. Its tough being a Farley. I can't imagine how much it must sting to have the relevant "news" items listed in IMDB under your name be about David Spade's divorce. Its hard to get heard and I've always rooted for you to succeed.

However, with the imminent opening of "An American Carol", I have to say this: No, Kevin Farley. 

You've forever tied your family name to this project and lets see what illustrious company it will forever join: 

Kelsey Grammar (ass)

Leslie Nielson  (1988: demented. 2008: dementia)

David Zucker (has been)

Lewis Friedman (THE brains behind the 2005 Radio Music Awards) 

Bill O'Reilly

This is not going to be a satire about the left wing, liberal movement. This is going to be a racist homo-Zeno-phobic train wreck. And worst of all, its unfunny. 

This is the challenge facing satire these days - everything has been lampooned, so the subject and devices don't really matter. After all, Blazing Saddles is arguably one of the most offensive racist homo-Zeno-phobic movies ever made. Yet, we love it. The true genius of Blazing Saddles is that through exploiting line after line of racial and sexual stereotypes, Mel Brooks was able to show who was really the village idiot: the antagonists - and the idiots making the film itself (hence the shattering of the fourth wall in the climax of the movie). In no way did they ever take a second to ever celebrate themselves. South Park - probably the harshest critic of the left out there - does the same thing. 

Your movie, American Carol, fails to do that and instead, takes its jokes more seriously than itself and unintentionally, just goes to prove that far from funny, these guys are just sad. Its a 90 minute conservative circle jerk and a giant mirror on the ceiling for folks like O'Reilly and the rest of the Murdoch bunch. 

THAT is the true nature of the crime, sir. You've tied your name to what will go down as one of the worst satires of all time. It won't be long until the makers start claiming that they meant it to be a skewer of how the right views the left in the first place. By sucking so much ass. 

Your curse Mr. Farley, will be the same as this guy's. 

 

Sincerely, 

Jacob

Class of '99

McGuffin

Was trolling a few friend's sites and found the good old McGuffin trailer, completely forgotten that it was up. Enjoy it again, for the first time. :)

The Proposition

I don't think I've seen a Guy Pierce movie yet that I haven't liked (I skipped the Time Machine to preserve the streak). Since seeing him for the first time in LA Confidential, I've been blown away by his intensity and ability to choose good movies to go into. In this way, he's very similar to Ed Norton. So I was pretty happy when his latest work landed in my mailbox on Friday. A surprise awaited me while the opening credits rolled - this movie was scripted by none other than Nick Cave, he of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds fame, a smart, darkly written indie band. Nick Cave also wrote the soundtrack, which was fantastic throughout.

This is an australian western, set in the 1880's during the period of British occupation. The movie drops you half-way into a story, in the middle of a shootout. This will be the only shootout in the entire movie. While more death is to follow, its of the quick and brutal variety. The protagonist of the film (Pierce) is captured. Pierce is filthy throughout the entire movie - sunburnt, cut, dirty - just filthy. You also find out that he's not a nice guy - a killer who walked away from the depravity of his former life who once captured, is faced with a proposition - track down and kill his older brother, the most brutal of the bunch - or his younger brother will be hanged.

I hesitate to call this a western - the setting matches, but this isn't a story about the good guys going after the bad guys. Everyone's bad in this movie, its hard to even sympathize with Pierce's character, once given his history. The closest thing I could compare this movie to is Apocalypse Now, as the movie more than anything is an examination of humanity at its heart of darkness; how evil isn't a matter of good vs. bad, but of using wrong as a means for a right. The Outback is a perfect setting for this, where like the jungles of Vietnam, only the uncivil prosper. My only regret is that I missed this one in the theaters.  Reviews

Silent Star Wars

Actually, I think this would be an improvement if it was done for the first three movies...

The gift that keeps on giving

What's your netflix ID?

I finally signed up for Netflix.

I had looked at it years ago when they first came out, but wasn't too impressed with the site. Why not just go to the video store when I want to watch movies?
3 weeks in NY was enough to change that attitude. Yes, there is a blockbuster nearby. But it sucks. The selection sucks, the employees suck, and the pricing ($4.85 for an old release!) sucks. So why not give Netflix a shot?

The first thing that I found - and love - is the ability to see what's in your friend's que. Who knew that Jayson and Jessica thought the movie "Lords of Dogtown" was a five star movie and "A League of Their Own" was only two? Can I trust their opinion? A movie based on a documentary based on skinny white nerds who invented skateboarding starring an Australian Heath Ledger? Hmm....

Anyway, what's your netflix ID? Send me an invite: jmilwaukee@yahoo.com
Share and share alike!

The Protector

Here's what I think. I think if you are an international crime syndicate who kidnaps a simple farmboy's elephants, shoots his father, and then kidnaps the elephants to Australia, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences. Not EVERY elephant in Thailand can owned by someone skilled in the deadly art of Muay Thai. Do the background.

Eh, but criminals never listen to me. I'm glad they don't. Its because of criminals that I get to enjoy a movie with an asinine plot (though it gets better once the bones start breaking). So, The Protector, is Tony Jaa's new movie. His first movie, Ong Bak, was a jaw droppingly amazing movie. This one, while not as good as the second one, does deliver the goods. Ok, here we go:

Muay Thai vs. Capoeira? Check
Muay Thai vs. Wu Shu? Check
Muay Thai vs. Giant Steroid dude? Check

So, similar to the last one. There are two sequences however that seriously pays the bills in this movie. The first is a four-minute unedited fight scene that follows Kham as he makes his way up 5 stories of house and a "House of Blue Leaves" style sequence where more bones are broken than at a Day-After-Thanksgiving Sale at Walmart. Don't piss the little guy off!

Ong-Bak means kick-ass.

GREAT martial arts flick import from Thailand. No fear though, this is a major motion picture.

Some remote village's budha head is stolen and taken to the big city of Bangkok, giving the movie its fish out of water plotline as young-monk-to-be Ting volunteers to recover it. Ting also happens to be blessed with the gift of kick ass Mui-Tai martial arts knowledge. His journey will take him from the seedy underworld of Thai fighting clubs (where else do you hide a stolen budha head?) to the rolling hills of Thailand. Young Ting must deal with multiple threats and often takes care of them, Street Fighter 2 style.

Mui Tai vs. American Tae Kwon Do? Check.
Mui Tai vs. black dude with afro? Check.
Mui Tai vs. kung fu? Check.
Really big guy? Check. Burmese kickboxer? Check. And so on.

Not only that, but it has a number of Jackie-Chan-esque chase sequences, but without the cheesy Jackie-Chan morality tale. Finally, the guy does his own stunts, which is just stupid, but really fun to watch. The best stunt work I've *ever* seen.

All in all, very fun rental.